With the holidays approaching, you may be looking for that perfect gift for the Pens fan in your family, or if you’re afraid to drop $160 on a Pens jersey for your boyfriend, we’ve got your back. Or better yet, you know your girlfriend’s getting you a bunch of sentimental crap, and you’re strapped for cash. Say “Merry Christmas to me, you greedy bastard” and treat yourself to a $35 knock-off jersey, straight from the bowels of a Chinese sweatshop. Are we even allowed to endorse this? Whatever, move along…
This is the first edition (maybe the last!) of “I’d Born Trade That!”, where we help you make the right decision with your $35 investment!
How it works:
The usual suspects are out — no Sid, Malkin, or Fleury jerseys — those are too easy! We’re trying to help you out here, not make you look like the cheap ass that couldn’t splurge on a legit jersey of one of the team’s superstars! God willing, they’ll be around in the future and will make it worth your while to pay $160-$200 for the real thing. This is your chance to rep one of the other guys for a change – and on the cheap too! Based on their performance and their current appeal, you can get yourself some major attention for donning the jersey of a lesser known guy, if you’ve done your homework. This is where we come in with “I’d Born Trade That!”
Let’s do this by position:
Goalies
Brent Johnson – Sorry Johnny. While you’ve definitely had your moments, you’re not playing as good as you have in the past and we’re not making a trip to Long Island any time soon, or you’d be a lock! Answer’s “no” !
Defense
With the injuries that we’ve had already this year, this is probably where our unsung hero is!
Matt Niskanen: After all of the BS that we gave Niskanen last season, he’s really stepped up. How could you not pick him? In our pre-season evaluation we said that he wasn’t worth his weight in camel shit and man, were we wrong. He leads the team in +/- or something ridiclous like that, and with the injuries to the back end he’s found himself in the top pairing with Brooks Orpik – and he’s performed admirably. Niskanen, should be the winner here, but he’s not even available on Born Trade yet! Maybe you can Email them and request it or whatever, but we’re doing this by what is currently available on the site.
Zbynek Michalek: Always a very solid pick. It’s hard not to love “Z”, he gives his all and puts the body in front of countless oncoming shots. Everything Rob Scuderi wishes he was and more, he’s been injured lately, but we’re not counting him out for a $35 sweater.
Deryk Engelland: A solid choice, but his fighting has dropped off a bit. Not that we’re complaining – he’s replaced it with more solid defense and a better physical presence. We’ll be honest, his time to win this “I’d Born Trade That!” would have been last year when he was a sensation. A solid pick, but he’s not making it this year.
Ben Lovejoy: Maybe after his face was all swollen during 24/7, but he hasn’t been around this year to count in this discussion.
Paul Martin: Remember, the idea was to get yourself some positive attention for $35. Don’t go here unless you plan on burning it on Carson Street.
Alexandre Picard, Simon Despres, Carl Sneep, Brian Strait, and Robert Bortuzzo are not currently available through Born Trade. We’ll be keeping our eye on Despres for next season.
Offense
Pascal Dupuis: He’s on pace for a great season. He’s probably been the most overlooked Pen since he was involved in the Hossa deal in 2008. “Oh WTF, Hossa signed with the Wings, now all we’ve got to show for it is fucking Dupuis”. There are a lot of butt-hurt Armstrong fans out there that would refuse this option as well. I was Colby’s biggest fan back in the day, but Dupuis is worthy of some representation here. He’s been around for the last three seasons. He’s versatile, he can play any position on any line. He’s got energy, and somehow, he’s found a way to put rather impressive numbers on the board year after year – this year is no exception. He obviously loves playing hockey in Pittsburgh. He signed a two year contract for $1.5M a season, just a 100k raise from his previous check. Still, not too many fans give him love. It might be time, Pens fans.
Jordan Staal: Forget it haters, he deserves the legit jersey. “We could have had Toews!”, whatever. Staal is legit in his own right. If you like him enough to buy a jersey, get the real thing.
Chris Kunitz: A solid pick. We’ve heard time and time again that Eric Tangradi was the centerpiece of the Whitney deal, and any winger complaints usually start out “Sidney Crosby has to make due with Kunitz and Dupuis..” Bullshit. Kunitz was resigned to a two-year contract at his same rate for one reason, he’s exactly what the Pens need. Even so, his time for a “I’d Born Trade That!” win may have been in a previous season.
Matt Cooke: A good player, but not as noticeable as he once was. Probably a good thing, considering it’s Matt Cooke that we’re talking about. But the present-day NHL has taken nearly all of the physicality out of Cooke’s game. Let’s pass on this one.
Eric Tangradi: Born Trade has his old #26 available. Wouldn’t be bad to support him, but it wouldn’t be bad if he accomplished something at the NHL level either.
Steve Sullivan: Suprisingly already available on Born Trade. He’s been solid – we’re surprised he’s been in the line-up the entire time, despite all of the injuries we’ve had recently.
Craig Adams: Solid guy, but we’re not doing it.
Arron Asham: Not unless we’re headed to Washington DC. Where have you been since AA?
Tyler Kennedy: His time for this was definitely last season. WTF TK?
*James Neal is the real deal, and he deserves the real thing too.
Joe Vitale, Steve MacIntyre, Dustin Jeffrey and Richard Park are not currently available through BornTrade.
The Winners
If you’re looking to rep one of the lesser-known or unsung heroes on the cheap, you should definitely choose one of the following:
If you’re looking for a cheap jersey, you have to get Matt Niskanen, Zbynek Michalek or Pascal Dupuis. As we said, Matt Niskanen isn’t currently available, but damn, we can’t keep him off of this list.
Personally, I went for Michalek for a $35 gamble. He is the winner of the first edition of “I’d Born Trade That!”.
Dupuis would have been a solid pick, but every now and then you have to rep solid D and not just stats (albeit solid stats).
The jersey itself is definitely worth the $35 in my eyes. In previous years, the colors have been completely off, but that’s not an issue here. The main complaint is that things just aren’t centered. The front crest is a couple of inches lower than it should be and rests closer to the gut than the chest. “Michalek” is also a little off center to the left. But for $35 I’ll get over the fact that they didn’t have a ruler in the sweat shop.
